A couple of days ago I received the following email. I enjoy getting spam mail when it is of this kind of quality, not just your ordinary, robot generated mailshots. It can provide real entertainment, especially when it is clear that it has been written by an idiot, for idiots. Anyway, I publish it, unedited, here:
Good morning Sir [Beames],
Firstly I am proud for offering you your congratulations! Our Official records discover that you are celerbrating your birthday, and we are also pleased to announce to you that you are in order to recieve a present from the government. As you may have heard, there have been many problems with tax issues in the recent past few days, and many people are owing our department money for taxes. Some, however, such as, yourself, are owed money for taxis from us. You yourself are currently owed up to £456.78, which I'm sure could make you a fabulous birthday gift!
In order for you to claim your prize, please reply to us, as this Goverment email address, and make certain sure to include your Banking Details, including a secret questions and answer, in case we need to contact you about your money. We want to make sure we are talking to the right man! So please also put in a phone number with which we can call you.
Please let us know if you have any questions for our team, and we can make the present as quickly as possible!
Yours Sincerley,
Victor Uwaifo
Head of Goverment Tax Refunding
London
Good, isn't it? I mean, for someone working for the government, Victor isn't afraid to use words such as "fabulous" and "present" or the phrase "We want to make sure we're talking to the right man!". He's also completely unafraid to misspell the words 'sincerely' and 'government' (amongst others). I am not sure if he meant I was owed money for taxis, or if it was a typo. Suffice to say, I don't take taxis.
Strangely, I did receive this the day after my birthday. I'm not sure if that's a coincidence, or if Victor has some information on me. I'm hoping it's the former. I don't want to wake up tomorrow with a note on my pillow.
Nothing arises suspicion like saying "please reply to us, at this Goverment email address". A line made more enjoyable when you see that the address is, infact: victor.uk.gov@gmail.com. I can only assume the 'g' in 'gmail' stands for 'Government'. Sorry, 'Goverment'.
Anyway, seeing as Victor is Head of Goverment Tax Refunding, I thought it only fair that I reply to him. This is what I said:
Hello Victor,
Thanks very much for getting in contact! £456.78 is a lot of money, and I could really use it at the moment! How come I am owed so much money for taxis? I am very glad about it, in any case. I am just setting up a new bank account at the moment (exciting!), so I don't have all the details yet - would you be able to send me a cheque like I normally get for tax rebates? You can send it to the address that I am registered to on your databases.
Please do not hesitate to contact me with any more questions about this!
Yours sincereley,
Dan Beames
The ball is now in Victor's court. I hope I hear back from him soon. I could really use £456.78.
db
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