"Re: A special birthday present!"

So, Victor, being the professional individual he is, has got back to me. Very prompt, Victor.  And he's really outdone himself this time. His first line is nothing short of wonderful. If you haven't already, I suggest you read this blog's previous entry to get up to date with the story so far before continuing. Here's what he had to say this time:

Good afternoon Dan!

And as we say here in London, 'how are you today?'  Its not a problem for us to get into contacting you, infact it is our jobs, and our pleasures!  Our records say that you are owed money for taxis from us because in the past we have taken too many taxis from you.  Therefore it is our solemn duty to give taxis for you, at no cost for you.  We are owing many many people taxis, but due to your birthday you have been top of the list!

We are normally sending your taxis to your house, but we have had trouble recently with the Royal Male.  Also, we dislike to think that we'll spoil the surprise!  We do have your records on our records, but our computer broke most recently, so we are having trouble accesing them.  In addition to this we don't want to put your taxis in an envelope.  As your most studious self will have noticed, you are owed £456.78.  Such an amount of 'small change' would no doubt cost us more for the sending, and alert Royal Male staff to know that there are taxis hidden inside!!!

If you would like to chance us sending your money in the letter, then please send us your new address, including your banking details and secret questions.

Please let our team know if we can improve your service, and also we hope that your have enjoyed your birthday.

Yours Sincerley,

Victor Uwaifo

Head of Goverment Tax Refunding

London

I'm glad he has a sense of his purpose as the Head of Goverment Tax Refunding. That purpose, or "solemn duty" is, of course, to give taxis for me. He has, after all taken too many taxis from me in the past. It's nice to know the Goverment take into account my birthday when refunding my taxis, as any fair and efficient system should do.

I can only assume that they've been having a lot of trouble with Prince Phillip, or 'the Royal Male' as they call him. What this has to do with sending me my taxis, I have no idea, but at least they have my records on their records.

Now here's the thing - I want to continue trying to call his bluff, but, following my last email, they almost certainly means providing my address. I can't do that, obviously. Victor might pay me a visit (although I suspect he may live overseas, even if he does provide his Goverment address precisely as 'London'). I looked into renting a PO Box, but it's £60 for six months, and that seems a bit lavish.

With that, and the fact I don't want our correspondence to end just yet, I replied thusly:

Good afternoon Victor,

Thank you for replying to my email letter so quickly! It is good to know the Goverment Tax Refunding office is an office that replies to email letters so quickly.

As I said before, I am in the process of getting a new bank because I am just moving into London. As you are in London, I'm sure you know how difficult it is to get things done, so I am waiting to get my full address and bank and everything working! Hopefully I will have everything next week. Will my taxis still be available then, as it is not my birthday anymore?

I think I have a friend who is an accountant, so I might ask him what the best thing to do would be if I do not have a bank at the moment. Maybe you can tell me?

Look forward to hearing from you again soon,

Dan Beames

Once again, the trap is baited. Your move, Victor. Your move.

db