Life After Victor

Since Victor and George appeared on my blog, I've had over 1000 hits. To illustrate just how large this number is, before the two Ugandans emailed me, I'd had roughly 70 hits in total, which was an average of about four people reading each entry. Still, I suppose that's what happens when you post things that are a little more entertaining (and someone posting a link on bt3a certainly helped things along a bit).

Anyway, how do you follow up such an interesting exchange? I'm not just going to keep replying to email fraudsters in an attempt to keep my view count ticking along. Maybe I'll do it once a year. Maybe I'll get back in contact with Victor* every birthday, see how he's getting on.

I'm going to post regularly with stuff, like everyone sets out to do in the first place. See if 1000 people are still interested in what I'm saying if it doesn't involve thieves and taxis.

db

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*Incidentally, I only yesterday had the sense to google Victor. I'd always assumed he was using a fake name, but it's hardly subtle when you choose Victor Uwaifo.

Beginning of the End

I know it's been a while since the last update, and I'm sorry Victor-fans, but I've been busy and in a strange kind of internet hell thanks to BT and the Japanese Embassy in Los Angeles. Don't ask. Over the last few days, I have thought a great deal about Victor and George, and have discussed this exchange with many people. ANYWAY, following Victors last email, I replied thusly:

Hello Victor and George,

I am very sorry, I have been away for the weekend! I went to see my parents, and they don't have the internet, so I did not get tour messages until I came back today.

I hope you are not upset George, I do not mean to make your angry or crying at all. I am very pleased that you are trying to help me get my prizes, and I am sorry that I have not been able to give you my banking details, but the bank that I am trying to open have not given me my account yet. I don't think they are a very good bank who treat people well. It is a shame.

You are right about London, I sometimes do like to enjoy a restaurant in the evening, if I can afford it. The pubs here are very good to, you can go there to meet people and to drink some beer, I am sure you like to do it too!

How could you help me to set up my own bank account?

Thank you very much George and Victor,

Dan Beames

My feelings after sending this became quite clear - firstly, this was not really fun (or funny) anymore. There is only so long you can mock someone's English and stall them from learning your true intentions. Whilst it had been a laugh gently mocking Victor and publicly airing his attempts at fraud, I now felt dishonest. And this whole thing has kind of run it's course really. I don't see how it could go further without some details or money being handed over, and that's just a bad idea. After a few days of silence, I figured the Victor had probably worked me out, and decided to stop replying.

Until Sunday.

There he is again, in my inbox. And as I read what I expect will be his final ever contact with me, I couldn't help but feel a bit emotional. I'm not sure how best to sum it up, so here is what he had to say:

Sir Beams,

Finally we are saying goodbye.  We can have been trying to help you all this time but we are noticing that you do not want help or prizes.  Think not sadly for George he is a happy man as are all men from Uganda.

And are computer records show that you are a guitar boy.  This is a fine profession and we are thinking you all the best in this.

And finally we say to you that when we travel through London we sometimes are traveling on the under streets railways, and we must always remember that this has many names and you, can find myself and George here for your pleasures.

Yours Sincerley,

Victor Uwaifo

Head of Goverment Tax Refunding

London

Sure, he spelt my name wrong. And I can't really work out what the last paragraph means. If anyone can shed some light on it, I'd be interested to hear your theories. I'm pretty sure he googled my name and found my music MySpace, it's the first thing that comes up. And I was very glad to hear that George was not upset. Like all men from Uganda, he is a happy man - "Think not sadly for George" actually strikes me as a beautiful turn of English phrase. I'm thinking about making it the first line of my one man play. That I'll never write or produce.

I feel like maybe I should write something back to Victor, and I may well do in the next few days. But whatever it is, it will be an epilogue to this tale. Finally Victor and I can look at each other in the light of day as what we really are: A Ugandan con-man and a guitar boy.

And I think we're both happy with who we are.

db

Shit just got real

Guys, I think I might have to put an end to this. I thought it was just a bit of fun, but Victor's most recent email has made it painfully clear that I have been behaving in an inconsiderate and selfish way. Now, Victor is a tough cookie, he isn't bothered about all of this. He could take anything that I threw at him, and then some. He's a man. He'd just deal with it.

But George. Oh George. Poor, sweet George.

He is but a child in this brutal world of taxis, cattle and Sun Accountants. And I've upset him. Try to remain dry-eyed as you read the latest in this increasingly emotional journey:

Good morning Sir Beames,

We here at the head office in London are very unhappy that we still have not received your banking details in order for us to process your prizes for taxis.  We are upset to think that we have been all working so very very hard and yet we do not get the job completed.  George himself is so upset that he is not working so long that you have no taxis that he says we should give you more prizes.  We have so many other prizes to give away, that we cannot spend longer with your taxis.  this is in addition to it no still being your birthday, and as you know your name will be lower on our tax lists for prizes.  Do you remember our advise for spending the prizes?  Thinking that you could buy many things.  Our records show that you work in the days, so you will be able to spend your prizes in the nights, so restarants are easy for you or times at the night bars that we all sometimes enjoy in London.

We know that you are still wanting your taxis but are just a very busy man, and cannot always spend his time.  So please, so that we can process your prizes for taxis please send us your banking details and secret questions.  I am trusting on you not to upset George.

Yours Sincerley,

Victor Uwaifo

Head of Goverment Tax Refunding

London

This was received on Saturday, so It's been a while. I think Victor is starting to get nervous. I will reply later on today to continue the dialogue.

I wonder how long we can keep George off work for?

db

Genius or Geniusn't?

What follows is the email I received at the same time as the previous one from George. Is George the idiot I once thought he is, or is he a mastermind, an expert at playing cocky tricksters at their own game? Is it I that is being taken for a ride? Is he the real Keyser Söze? See what you think:

Good morning Dan!

I am very sorry to have heard about your computer and the sending.  Perhaps we can help, as we know many computer fixers in London.  our very own computer has been totally fixed as of lately, and is now in the finest working order, including new looks and hand controller.

As we say to you before, our happiest times are in replying to your needs as soon as your needing them!  So please, do not say your thank you as we are filled with joy.  I can also agree that in London the times are hard for doing our jobs.  Just the other day in London I was unable to get to my offices nd computer because of the Cattle, a thing which we used to have in Uganda when I was very small.  Other times in London I have been troubled also, but out job is important.  Do not feel sorry for us.

It is fine to use the Accountant in order to help with your banking details.  I myself in times use the Accountant to help me when I have big numbers.  In London I bought an Accountant which uses the sun for working, so I never even are having to changing the powers!!!  I can give you a help in finding one if you are needing?  I can finding you a Sun Accountant for only $20, so please if you are needing one then tell us your Banking details and we can send you your Sun Accountant to help.  You can then use your Accountant to help with your taxis adding.  and also no cost for the powers!

It is a most shame about your holidays.  We here at the Goverment are sad in thinking that perhaps you are working to hard?!  please let us know if we can help you, including your banking details and secret questions.

We are also helping in setting up banking for you?  We can take all of the hassles from you, and not even charge you money!  If you would need us to make your bank then please tell us.  We just need a few details from you and we can then give you a bank.

Yours Sincerley,

Victor Uwaifo

Head of Goverment Tax Refunding

London

I think Victor is under the impression that 'Accountant' means calculator. And what all this business about cattle is, I've no idea. That brings us up to date. Well, nearly... I have another email from Victor, chasing up. He's starting to sound a bit desperate. I'm going to let him stew a little bit, see how that effects him. I'll post it up tomorrow. The initial hilarity may be starting to wear a little thin, but I've got a feeling that there are a few more twists and turns coming up in this tale. Time will tell.

ENTER: GEORGE AKAEZE

This afternoon, I went to Cartridge World, Caledonian Road, to do some photocopying. The friendly man that runs it left me to my own devices at the copier, trusting me to be honest when it came to telling him how many copies I had made, as usual. It was 86. That's quite a bit of copying. He is a nice man. A trusting man. A man who shares many things with a certain Victor Uwaifo, as I'm sure most of you appreciate by now.

But that was before you met Victor's right hand man. His go to guy. His brother in taxis. When I returned to my office, sitting in my inbox was a message from this man. Hold on to your seats, folks, as I have reproduced his email here - completed unedited, as always. May I present to you Mr George Akaeze:

FOA: DAN BEAMES

HELLO THERE DAN!  

FIRSTLY LET ME MENTION HOW LUCKY A MAN YOUR TO HAVE VICTOR WORKING FOR YOU TO GIVES YOU ALL OF THE TAXIS YOU NEED.  FIRSTLY ALSO I MUST MENTION HOW HAS YOUR BIRTHDAY BEEN?  WE CAN ONLY IMAGINE A MAN OF YOUR PERSONAL GRATIFACTION TO HAVE HAD THE MOST SUPER TIME!!!

FIRSTLY ALSO I MUST SAY TO YOU THAT I AM NOT DEALING WITH YOUR TAXIS, AS VICTOR IS THE BOSS AT THE TAXIS REFUNDING AND I AM HERE TO ASSURE.  AND TO GIVE ADVISE AS OFTEN THAT IS WHAT WE HERE DO WHEN WE ARE NOT TAXIS REFUNDING.

FIRSTLY IN ADVISING I HAVE A STATEMENT:: MAKING YOUR MONEY (TAXIS) WORK FOR YOU!!!

THIS IS A SIMPLY STATEMENT THAT I GIVE YOU, BUT IS THE IMPORTANT INFORMATION ALSO.  FIRSTLY WE MUST REMEMBER TO ALWAYS FOLLOW THIS RULE.  AND I CAN HELP THIS, WITH FANTASTIC INVESTMENT OPPURTUNITIES FOR YOUR TAXIS, SO THAT WE CAN :: MAKING YOUR MONEY (TAXIS) WORK FOR YOU!!!  SO FIRSTLY, IF YOU NEED THE INVESTMENTS THEN YOU MUST KNOW THAT YOU CAN COME TO US FOR HELP.  AND WE ARE ALWAYS 200 PERSENT ON YOUR SIDE.  FIRSTLY YOU SAY :: WHY ARE YOU GIVING ME TAXIS???:  AND WE HAVE BEEN SAYING THE ASNWERS TO YOU.  THEN AFTER THE ANSWERS WE ARE SAYING TO YOU ::  WHY WOULD WE BE GIVING YOU TAXIS FOR YOU TO WASTE THEM?!!!  WE ARE THE EXPERTS WITH ALL OF THE INFORMATIONS INCLUDING STOCKS, CHAIRS, GOLDS AND THE OTHER THINGS.  WE CAN TELL YOU WHEN CHAIRS GO UP, EVEN BEFORE THEY ARE GOING UP.  WE CANNOT BE TELLING YOU HOW, BUT WE MUST FIRSTLY REMEMBER :: MAKING YOUR MONEY (TAXIS) WORK FOR YOU!!!

IF YOU NEED THE INFORMATIONS THEN DO NOT HESITATE THE CONTACT.  WHEN THE GOLDS ARE GOING UP, WE MUST TAKE THEM :: MAKING YOUR MONEY (TAXIS) WORK FOR YOU!!!  IN THE CONTACT MAKE SURE TO HAVE ALL THE INFORMATIONS, SUCH AS WHETHER YOU PREFER TO HAVE GOLDS OR CHAIRS, HOW MUCH MONEY (TAXIS) YOU NEED TO INVESTMENT, YOUR BANK DETAILS AND SECRET QUESTIONS, YOUR PREFERED TYPE OF INVEST (GOLDS OR CHAIRS).

KINDEST AND SINCERLEY REGARDS,

G. AKAEZE

DEPUTY SIR OF VICTOR,

IN LONDON

Alas, I haven't got time to reply at the moment, but rest assured, I will endeavor to tomorrow. And one more thing: Victor has also replied to me. I will include his update tomorrow. This is getting quite amazing now, I'm even starting to think that maybe they are the pranksters, laughing at me as I think I lampoon them, when in fact they are the puppet-masters.

Whatever the case, I am looking forward to having a whole lot of taxis and chairs in the coming weeks.

db

Victor and George

OK, so I may have made a mistake. In receiving the second reply, I got over excited and blogged straight away. Whilst I did indeed write a reply (and post it here), I neglected to actually send it to Victor. Now, a less attentive and thoughtful man than Big V would probably have assumed that I was not fastidious enough to deserve any taxis. But not Victor. Oh no. Despite my idiocracy, he got back to me yesterday afternoon. And this time he even included some great suggestions. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present Mr Victor Uwaifo. Oh, one more thing, this email was sent at about 12:40. Bear that in mind when reading the first line:

Good morning again Dan!

We are all concerned that we don't yet have taken your adress and bank details and secret questions, and have not heard from your good self.  We are all so very keen to give you your taxis, and it hurts us here at the goverment to think that you are not able to afford your things!  And myself and my collegues have been thinking of suggestions for you to spend your taxis, in order that you might have some ideas of ways in which to spend your taxis.  for your £456.78 you could handsomely afford a new vehicle for your property or plenty of restarants or perhaps a other idea is for you to afford a holiday.  As your good and most studious self will know, we in London are friends with many countries.  Here at the Tax Refunding Bureau we often have taken our holidays to Uganda.  A splendid, upright and convivial country for your travels, and we are able to give you many discounts to splendid areas in Uganda.  In fact, in a saving of $2,456.99 dollars we can give you a holiday for two weeks in any time for only £1798.78, which including your taxis as a saving will be only about £1358 sterling for you to pay us.  Surely this is a fantastic chance for a holiday in Uganda!!!  And you imagine seeing the lions?!

if you are having your problems sending your messages to this adress then you can always contact my collegues, such as my deputy, George Akaeze with George.UK.GOV@gmail.com. As sometimes our emails stop the sending, for security.  And remember to read the security infomation at the bottom, we shouldnt want some other man with your taxis!!!

Yours Sincerley,

Victor Uwaifo

Head of Goverment Tax Refunding

London

I'm not going to bother deconstructing this one really, there's no point. It's all there for you to enjoy right off the bat. I do quickly want to say how much I enjoyed "you could handsomely afford a new vehicle for your property or plenty of restarants" and the frankly wonderful "And you imagine seeing the lions?!"

Anyway, I sent what I had written the previous day off to him, with a little bit added to explain myself. I also copied it to George Akaeze, who I am very much looking forward to hearing from. This was my reply:

Hello there Victor and George,

I wrote you an email yesterday, but my computer did not send it! I just looked now. Here is what I wrote to you, I have copied it:

---------------------------

Thank you for replying to my email letter so quickly! It is good to know the Goverment Tax Refunding office is an office that replies to email letters so quickly.

As I said before, I am in the process of getting a new bank because I am just moving into London. As you are in London, I'm sure you know how difficult it is to get things done, so I am waiting to get my full address and bank and everything working! Hopefully I will have everything next week. Will my taxis still be available then, as it is not my birthday anymore?

I think I have a friend who is an accountant, so I might ask him what the best thing to do would be if I do not have a bank at the moment. Maybe you can tell me?

----------------------------

Sorry I didn't send it yesterday. Uganda sounds like a wonderful place, but I don't think I can go on holiday at the moment, I am trying to find a job! Maybe sometime in the future.

Anyway, that is what I wrote to you yesterday, I hope to hear from you soon again,

Dan Beames

So, that brings everything up to date. I am hoping there will be another gem in my inbox later today. Time will tell.

db

"Re: A special birthday present!"

So, Victor, being the professional individual he is, has got back to me. Very prompt, Victor.  And he's really outdone himself this time. His first line is nothing short of wonderful. If you haven't already, I suggest you read this blog's previous entry to get up to date with the story so far before continuing. Here's what he had to say this time:

Good afternoon Dan!

And as we say here in London, 'how are you today?'  Its not a problem for us to get into contacting you, infact it is our jobs, and our pleasures!  Our records say that you are owed money for taxis from us because in the past we have taken too many taxis from you.  Therefore it is our solemn duty to give taxis for you, at no cost for you.  We are owing many many people taxis, but due to your birthday you have been top of the list!

We are normally sending your taxis to your house, but we have had trouble recently with the Royal Male.  Also, we dislike to think that we'll spoil the surprise!  We do have your records on our records, but our computer broke most recently, so we are having trouble accesing them.  In addition to this we don't want to put your taxis in an envelope.  As your most studious self will have noticed, you are owed £456.78.  Such an amount of 'small change' would no doubt cost us more for the sending, and alert Royal Male staff to know that there are taxis hidden inside!!!

If you would like to chance us sending your money in the letter, then please send us your new address, including your banking details and secret questions.

Please let our team know if we can improve your service, and also we hope that your have enjoyed your birthday.

Yours Sincerley,

Victor Uwaifo

Head of Goverment Tax Refunding

London

I'm glad he has a sense of his purpose as the Head of Goverment Tax Refunding. That purpose, or "solemn duty" is, of course, to give taxis for me. He has, after all taken too many taxis from me in the past. It's nice to know the Goverment take into account my birthday when refunding my taxis, as any fair and efficient system should do.

I can only assume that they've been having a lot of trouble with Prince Phillip, or 'the Royal Male' as they call him. What this has to do with sending me my taxis, I have no idea, but at least they have my records on their records.

Now here's the thing - I want to continue trying to call his bluff, but, following my last email, they almost certainly means providing my address. I can't do that, obviously. Victor might pay me a visit (although I suspect he may live overseas, even if he does provide his Goverment address precisely as 'London'). I looked into renting a PO Box, but it's £60 for six months, and that seems a bit lavish.

With that, and the fact I don't want our correspondence to end just yet, I replied thusly:

Good afternoon Victor,

Thank you for replying to my email letter so quickly! It is good to know the Goverment Tax Refunding office is an office that replies to email letters so quickly.

As I said before, I am in the process of getting a new bank because I am just moving into London. As you are in London, I'm sure you know how difficult it is to get things done, so I am waiting to get my full address and bank and everything working! Hopefully I will have everything next week. Will my taxis still be available then, as it is not my birthday anymore?

I think I have a friend who is an accountant, so I might ask him what the best thing to do would be if I do not have a bank at the moment. Maybe you can tell me?

Look forward to hearing from you again soon,

Dan Beames

Once again, the trap is baited. Your move, Victor. Your move.

db

"A special birthday present!"

A couple of days ago I received the following email. I enjoy getting spam mail when it is of this kind of quality, not just your ordinary, robot generated mailshots. It can provide real entertainment, especially when it is clear that it has been written by an idiot, for idiots. Anyway, I publish it, unedited, here:

Good morning Sir [Beames],

Firstly I am proud for offering you your congratulations!  Our Official records discover that you are celerbrating your birthday, and we are also pleased to announce to you that you are in order to recieve a present from the government.  As you may have heard, there have been many problems with tax issues in the recent past few days, and many people are owing our department money for taxes.  Some, however, such as, yourself, are owed money for taxis from us.  You yourself are currently owed up to £456.78, which I'm sure could make you a fabulous birthday gift!

In order for you to claim your prize, please reply to us, as this Goverment email address, and make certain sure to include your Banking Details, including a secret questions and answer, in case we need to contact you about your money.  We want to make sure we are talking to the right man!  So please also put in a phone number with which we can call you.

Please let us know if you have any questions for our team, and we can make the present as quickly as possible!

Yours Sincerley,

Victor Uwaifo

Head of Goverment Tax Refunding

London

Good, isn't it? I mean, for someone working for the government, Victor isn't afraid to use words such as "fabulous" and "present" or the phrase "We want to make sure we're talking to the right man!". He's also completely unafraid to misspell the words 'sincerely' and 'government' (amongst others). I am not sure if he meant I was owed money for taxis, or if it was a typo. Suffice to say, I don't take taxis.

Strangely, I did receive this the day after my birthday. I'm not sure if that's a coincidence, or if Victor has some information on me. I'm hoping it's the former. I don't want to wake up tomorrow with a note on my pillow.

Nothing arises suspicion like saying "please reply to us, at this Goverment email address". A line made more enjoyable when you see that the address is, infact: victor.uk.gov@gmail.com. I can only assume the 'g' in 'gmail' stands for 'Government'. Sorry, 'Goverment'.

Anyway, seeing as Victor is Head of Goverment Tax Refunding, I thought it only fair that I reply to him. This is what I said:

Hello Victor,

Thanks very much for getting in contact! £456.78 is a lot of money, and I could really use it at the moment! How come I am owed so much money for taxis? I am very glad about it, in any case. I am just setting up a new bank account at the moment (exciting!), so I don't have all the details yet - would you be able to send me a cheque like I normally get for tax rebates? You can send it to the address that I am registered to on your databases.

Please do not hesitate to contact me with any more questions about this!

Yours sincereley,

Dan Beames

The ball is now in Victor's court. I hope I hear back from him soon. I could really use £456.78.

db