Networking

I went to Stroud this morning, and as most people tend to do, left very soon afterwards. During my time there (I use 'time' in the sense that people who have spent passages of their life in prison use it) I was greeted by this poster advertising Christianity. When walking past it, I did a kind of double take as I ingested the metaphor. The first three lines I can roll with, they seem like a fairly run-of-the-mill religious analogy, aimed to try and convince people that God is an actual service that produces results. Like the Samaritans (oh, the irony). The last part just kind of made me laugh. Jesus, prepaying for phone calls? Makes him sounds like a secondary school child's mother topping up his mobile. And, wait a second, if all calls are free, why did Jesus need to prepay for them anyway? Sorry, that's just nit-picking.

Now, praying has always seemed a little funny to me. Even as a child at a Church of England primary school I could see that it was a ridiculous notion that I could close my eyes and talk to someone who wasn't in the same room as me. I'm not attacking the practice or prayer, really, I believe that if you are that way inclined it can be a healthy way to organise your thoughts and concentrate on your emotions. What I don't agree with, is sitting in front of a hot meal, and thanking God for 'what you are about to receive'. Let's try thanking the nice man in Israel that grew the basil that sits atop your tomato salad, ey? The one that really pisses me off is when at a funeral we are asked (sometimes it feels like forced) to 'thank God' for the life, and even personality of the person we are trying to say goodbye to. I'm sorry, Christianity, but get fucked. I'd rather thank their parents, their family, their friends and most of all, them. God didn't make them nice to me, they did that all on their own. For now, let's forget about this anger, though. Presumably, with the advent of telecommunications, the concept of prayer became slightly more believable to the borderline sceptic community, being as there is actual technology that achieves a fairly similar feat. So, this being the future and all, I'll take a moment if I may to translate this into a more timely analogy.

Lets say that everyone's brain has wireless functionality, just like the laptop I am typing this on - they technology is invisible to the eye, but nestled somewhere betwixt the hard drive and processor, just north of the bluetooth receiver, there are a few circuits that allow the transmission and reception of invisible data streams. Now, as with wireless internet connections, each brain has its very own IP address, unique to its corresponding person. God can pick up information from each of these addresses, and has some kind of index that equates each number to a profile (think facebook), containing information about the human. I would imagine this would contain how many times they've sinned, probably in the form of a kind of good to bad deeds ratio, as well as bible knowledge and how many saints you are a fan of (forcing your friends to also becomes fans get you extra God points, especially if you're a Jehovah's Witness). By looking at this information, the G-dog decides wether or not to help a brother out. "But who pays the ISP charges?" I hear you cry. Well, don't worry about that, Jesus set up a direct debit, good for eternity, minutes before he was brutally nailed to the cross.

if this seems a little too good to be true (or too ridiculous to be in any way physically, scientifically or socially possible), then I must tell you, it does come with a few rules and regulations. Firstly, you may not access other people's prayers, or duplicate information from their brains that is copyrighted, especially over encrypted P2P (person to person) networks. Secondly, if you host any blasphemous thoughts on your own brain, God reserves the right to seize your mind and conduct a thorough search. He is not obliged to return your consciousness after this. Thirdly, and most importantly, if you manage to obtain a torrent file for God and attempt to download him (it?), your connection will be restricted to such a speed that thinking will become such a slow process, you won't be able to make toast, let alone eat it.

Take that, the Church, Mandelson and ISPs.

db