Guitar Fear-o

Hey, it's that time of the week when an aging rocker comes out and says something poorly informed and ignorant about young people / new technology / new music / gigs / drugs / the internet (delete as applicable)! In this case, it's actually three aging rockers. And, to their credit, although they've all said silly things about a shared subject, two of them are against it and one of them is trying to promote it. This being the case, you'd expect at least one of them to have got the right end of the stick.

But no.

I want to start by stating that I like these three people - the music that they have created has diverted the course of my life at important junctures, and had a profound educational and emotional effect on my growing up. After all, where would any of us really be without the Beatles, Pink Floyd or Bill Wyman's Je Suis Un Rock Star?

Let's start with the big dog - Macca. He's been talking about the upcoming the Beatles: Rock Band game. I have to say I commend the Beatles (which apparently now consist of McCartney, Ringo Starr, Yoko Ono and Olivia Harrison) on going down the video game route - it is a great way to introduce the music to a new generation who might otherwise ignore it, and I wouldn't mind picking up a copy myself, if I can stump up the cash. The silly thing that he said though regards the ongoing arguments about the Beatles' music being available online, that is via iTunes or a similar service:

"We've kind of bypassed that [download problems] because now you can do it in 'Rock Band'. I always liked that, when you're told you can't do something and suddenly there's a little route round the back."

In writing this, I do feel a bit bad about calling him up no what he's said, mostly because it's not too surprising that a 67 year old man isn't bang up to date with digital media and it's various forms. But hey, I'm feeling a little bitter and stir crazy, so I'm going to anyway. I think it just annoys me a little that he's not aware that releasing your music through this game is not the same as making it available as album downloads. If it were a less important body of work, then it wouldn't matter so much, but the fact that you cannot, on the internet, legally access ANY Beatles material for download is bordering on criminal. These albums represent one of the most important journeys of modern music, and to be so behind the times is pathetic. So, Paul, please don't think that this game has solved a problem, you still have to be pushing to get that music out there.

The second two old-timers can be grouped together, enter Billy Wyman and Nick Mason. First things first, any time Bill Wyman is mentioned, I feel it is only responsible to direct people to this video:



Now that that's out of the way, let's get down to what he's said, also about the phenomenon of the Guitar Hero / Rock Band games:

"It encourages kids not to learn, that's the trouble. It makes less and less people dedicated to really get down and learn an instrument. I think it's a pity so I'm not really keen on that kind of stuff."

Do we really believe that's true? I don't. I don't believe that less children are learning guitar for the same reasons I did. I don't believe that playing guitar games and learning the guitar are mutually exclusive activities. I don't believe that playing these games would put you off playing a real instrument. I don't believe that all of the techniques learned within the games are unhelpful compared to those required to play real instruments. I don't believe that computer games 'rot your brain' (a phrase often banded about, but never really explained) and I don't believe that Bill Wyman knows what he's talking about. Remember, this is a man that spends most of his time metal detecting. Metal detecting, people.

Last is Nick Mason. I've no reason to attack Nick Mason, he was in Pink Floyd and if that's not enough, he wrote a rather wonderful book about the whole thing as well. He had this to say about the issue:

"It irritates me having watched my kids do it. If they spent as much time practicing the guitar as learning how to press the buttons they'd be damn good by now."

All I'm going to say is this: Do you think that a generation or two ago, some people might have been saying exactly the same thing about learning how to play the actual electric guitar? You can pick at that argument all you want, I realise it is a little flawed. But come on. If we can get a generation of bedroom-locked, square-eyed, violent, stupid, brain-rotten, porn-guzzling, McDonald's-scoffing teenagers into contact with a band as wonderful as the Beatles, isn't that a good thing?

db

Networking

I went to Stroud this morning, and as most people tend to do, left very soon afterwards. During my time there (I use 'time' in the sense that people who have spent passages of their life in prison use it) I was greeted by this poster advertising Christianity. When walking past it, I did a kind of double take as I ingested the metaphor. The first three lines I can roll with, they seem like a fairly run-of-the-mill religious analogy, aimed to try and convince people that God is an actual service that produces results. Like the Samaritans (oh, the irony). The last part just kind of made me laugh. Jesus, prepaying for phone calls? Makes him sounds like a secondary school child's mother topping up his mobile. And, wait a second, if all calls are free, why did Jesus need to prepay for them anyway? Sorry, that's just nit-picking.

Now, praying has always seemed a little funny to me. Even as a child at a Church of England primary school I could see that it was a ridiculous notion that I could close my eyes and talk to someone who wasn't in the same room as me. I'm not attacking the practice or prayer, really, I believe that if you are that way inclined it can be a healthy way to organise your thoughts and concentrate on your emotions. What I don't agree with, is sitting in front of a hot meal, and thanking God for 'what you are about to receive'. Let's try thanking the nice man in Israel that grew the basil that sits atop your tomato salad, ey? The one that really pisses me off is when at a funeral we are asked (sometimes it feels like forced) to 'thank God' for the life, and even personality of the person we are trying to say goodbye to. I'm sorry, Christianity, but get fucked. I'd rather thank their parents, their family, their friends and most of all, them. God didn't make them nice to me, they did that all on their own. For now, let's forget about this anger, though. Presumably, with the advent of telecommunications, the concept of prayer became slightly more believable to the borderline sceptic community, being as there is actual technology that achieves a fairly similar feat. So, this being the future and all, I'll take a moment if I may to translate this into a more timely analogy.

Lets say that everyone's brain has wireless functionality, just like the laptop I am typing this on - they technology is invisible to the eye, but nestled somewhere betwixt the hard drive and processor, just north of the bluetooth receiver, there are a few circuits that allow the transmission and reception of invisible data streams. Now, as with wireless internet connections, each brain has its very own IP address, unique to its corresponding person. God can pick up information from each of these addresses, and has some kind of index that equates each number to a profile (think facebook), containing information about the human. I would imagine this would contain how many times they've sinned, probably in the form of a kind of good to bad deeds ratio, as well as bible knowledge and how many saints you are a fan of (forcing your friends to also becomes fans get you extra God points, especially if you're a Jehovah's Witness). By looking at this information, the G-dog decides wether or not to help a brother out. "But who pays the ISP charges?" I hear you cry. Well, don't worry about that, Jesus set up a direct debit, good for eternity, minutes before he was brutally nailed to the cross.

if this seems a little too good to be true (or too ridiculous to be in any way physically, scientifically or socially possible), then I must tell you, it does come with a few rules and regulations. Firstly, you may not access other people's prayers, or duplicate information from their brains that is copyrighted, especially over encrypted P2P (person to person) networks. Secondly, if you host any blasphemous thoughts on your own brain, God reserves the right to seize your mind and conduct a thorough search. He is not obliged to return your consciousness after this. Thirdly, and most importantly, if you manage to obtain a torrent file for God and attempt to download him (it?), your connection will be restricted to such a speed that thinking will become such a slow process, you won't be able to make toast, let alone eat it.

Take that, the Church, Mandelson and ISPs.

db